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Submitted on
October 9, 2013
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How the hell can I make
                                                         You
See that everything you say
Everything you do
Hurts me
And although I’m not perfect
Neither
                                                         Are
You
And I am trying
And trying
To find some sense of
                                                         Worth
But you’re making it
Pretty damn difficult
And I realize there’s
                                                         Nothing
I can say to get through to you
Because nothing has worked yet
And all I want is
                                                         To
Feel loved
Feel intelligent
Feel important
But you have taken that
All away from
                                                         Me
"She has to be nice to you because she knows otherwise you'll slit your wrists."

Ha.
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014   General Artist

Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:!



You had fantastic use of enjambment and white space here! :nod: It was very crafty to create a sentence along the side and still have the words correspond with the ending lines of the stanzas. It’s a very thoughtful and crafty method.


 


One thing that could make the language in the poem a little more interesting would be to switch up your words a little bit, especially in the end. Repeating the word feel does get a point across, but a little more variation to the words you used could be interesting. Perhaps something like experience love, feel important, and so on. :nod:


 


Nevertheless, keep up the good work!


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:iconbuslimpan:
buslimpan Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student General Artist
You did it beutifully. I really like the idea with what you did with the words.
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:iconminafawcett:
MinaFawcett Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is exactly how I feel about my mother. Kudos.
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