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What I WantedI wanted to say, "I love you."
I wanted to say, "Don't go."
I wanted to say, "You belong with me."
I wanted to say, "No."
I wanted to be cheesy.
I didn't want to cry.
I wanted to say we had a chance
But I didn't want to lie.
I wanted you to feel guilty.
I wanted you to feel regret.
I wanted to say all these meaningful things
That you could never forget.
But in the end I said nothing
Even though I was so prepared.
I just said, "Okay, whatever you want."
Because, in the end, I cared.
Crushed VeneerWhat a night
For wearing white
With sleeves already stained
I watch the blood swirl round and round
Then wash it down the drain
I forgot how much it bled
Forgot how good it tastes
I've ruined all my clothes
But it wasn't such a waste
This place looks like a war zone
They won't believe I'm fine
I place the razor by the sink
Ready for next time
InterviewWhen was the last time
That you cut?
When all the doors were shut.
On what part of your body
Did you self-harm?
From the edge of my wrist
And all down my arm.
What did you use
To make the blood pour?
A pocketknife borrowed
From my dad's dresser drawer.
How many cuts
Did you make this time?
Ten long slashes
All in a line.
Was I the one
To bring this pain to your life?
It doesn't matter,
I picked up the knife.
How bad were these,
I don't know,
They felt pretty darn good to me.
ControlAs a teenager,
I have very little say in anything
It seems as though
Am merely a puppet
That everyone holds the strings to
People are always telling me what I
My PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep
I beg the Lord my soul to reap
I hope I die before I wake
There's not much more that I can take
I Brushed my Teeth with BloodI brushed my teeth with blood last night
While the stars pretended everything was fine
The world itself never stops, so nothing was quiet
The old were asleep
And the young were awake
And only I was left alone
With terrible thoughts racing through my mind
And terrible music racing through my ears
The music, I soon realized, was in my head
And I was left for crazy
My lips begged for more
My legs begged me to stop
My mind wasn't thinking
And my heart wasn't healed
The floor was stained red
The tears not washing it away
The past ten, eleven, never twelve months flashed in front of me
But I laughed them off, it's okay
I'll be in denial tomorrow
Me and My TherapistI stare at her
She stares at me
I clench my fists
I focus on breathing
"How are you?"
She finally says
How am I?
How does she think I am?
Obviously I am not ok
Otherwise why would I be here?
She stares at me more
"How have you been since
I saw you last week?"
She fakes a smile
I don't even attempt a smile
"Have your pills been working?
How do you like them?
Have they kicked in yet?
Are they strong enough?"
They taste like cleaning supplies
I still feel like killing myself
And I overdosed on them
I stare at her
She stares at me
She slowly smiles
"What are you thinking?"
Actually, I was thinking of pancakes
But I can't say that
So I shrug
And we go back to silence
I clench and unclench my fists
And stare at the ground
"You are the tensest child
I have ever seen"
I look up
She's smiling again
What am I supposed to say to that?
So I say nothing
I glance at the clock
Ten more minutes until I'm free
5 Stages Of GriefStage 1: Denial/Isolation
Oh, God, did I deny it
I had impossible fantasies
You were standing outside my bedroom window
With a boom box in your hands
(I'm a sucker for John Cusack, but you knew that)
You would say you still loved me
Or at the very least you'd call me
And so I waited for the text that never came
Dreams of our friendship plagued my nights
And as for the isolation part
I didn't come out of my room for a while
I mean, I came out for school and all
But then I went right back to my cave
I didn't answer any texts that weren't from you
So, basically, none of them
Stage 2: Anger
I didn't know who to be angry at
So I was angry at everybody
You, me, God, the world
You for breaking your promises
And for loving other people more than me
Me for being the horrible person you stopped loving
The one who couldn't say or do anything right
Who was ugly, talentless, and worthless
God for letting this all happen
And not compensating
The world for standing by and watching
Watching me break
You possess meyou're so beautiful
and if malefic
you're so sweet
your kiss is toxic
your hands burn my skin
each caress has poisoned my body
your venom transforms me
into something malefic
it scares me
I am destroyed inside
thy eyes red devours my soul
you possess me
I am your slave
this love is harmful
but how do
without this body
without this desire
A Talk With DeathWalking down a lonely road
Death appears in his skeletal cowl
His footsteps fall in pattern with mine
Silence between us through side glances.
Death follows me home
The house is alone and dark
Unkempt crowded clutter and dust
I sit alone in my wooden rocking chair.
Once this house had voices
Squeals, laughter, play, happiness
Now they are all grown, now silence
Death knows my pain, suffering, and despair.
"What is wrong?" he whispers
"I am so all alone now." I sadly reply
"Why do you call for me so urgently?" he asks
"I want to go now, I am so tired of my silent world."
"Your children visit you, they are happy."
"But I am not, nothing is left for me to do, what's left?"
"Enjoy your golden years as you listen to the voices of youth."
"But my youth is gone, I am the old maid I feared so long ago."
"If you wish, simply take my hand."
"I wish it because I cannot live in pain anymore."
"I will walk with you to your destination, I am here"
"Take me to the lands beyond, I am no longer afraid.
Bleeding inkI cut my wrist
And bleed this ink
Across the page, proclaimed
For the meek
Those who can’t think
On the brink
Prepared to sink
Take this prose
The rope that will save you
I will not allow you to fade into the night
That swallows its victims whole
You will not die on me!
The darkness shall not achieve its goal
Your soul will be liberated
By the hated and heartless
Those who don’t give a shit
And spit on you like scum
Come, be with me
I’ll save you!
Set you’re mind free
I’ll be the one to scribble your horrors down
And imprison them on virgin paper
So that they may be a reminder for the ones who suffer
I’ll be your buffer
Bearing the brunt of the brutal assaults
I understand you
I can sympathize with your pain
I can save you…
With my pen
I’ll slice my wrists
Strokes of rapid, repeated momentum
And from beneath my paper thin skin will run the red in
Darkness In My SoulThere is a darkness in my soul
I've closed myself off from humanity
Indulging in nihilism and misanthropy
I loathe all the world and its inhabitants
The human spirit
A truly grotesque spectacle
Life has become unbearable
And this world, undesirable
The world never changes
Deceiving, cheating, lying
Selfish minds, corrupted kinds
Self - beneficially inclined
The twisted nature of mankind
My sanity has fallen to ruins
The toll of a sick worlds influence
This life has turned my heart black
And drained all goodness from me
I am a hollowed shell
Empty and brooding in solitude
I sit and wait for Death's knell
The devil talks to me
And ensares my mind
Filled with dark thoughts
He assures me it's my time
There is a darkness in my soul
It can't be quenched by anything
And when I close my eyes
My only wish is to die
This world holds nothing for me
I wish to transcend its boundaries
I never want to wake up
I lust for this life torn from me
And when I open my eyes
My only solace is to cry
I wait t
How I feel the bullet
when I am not the target.
I am not you.
We are separate.
why do I share your pain
as if it were my own?
To think we'd ever be
That I pour my mind
with thoughts of you
when I never come in yours.
Left in confusion.
Swallowing myself whole.
Hoping for impossibility,
believing truth in lies.
Speaking out promises
never to be heard.
with whatever's left to show.
In my world made of fantasy.
Beautifully BrokenWith not a tear in her eye,
Because she's cried herself dry
She whispers weakly,
"Why do so many people always hurt me?"
Through pale pink lips that endured each vile kiss,
She says "I'm tired of all of this."
Pleadingly,she shows her scars for all the world to see,
Begging,broken,crying out,"Someone please help me."
It's ScarringThe carnage of my past, etched and engraved.
Dictating my every action, no preservation, enslaved.
Haunting, an omen, never to disappear.
Poltergeist of unwanted memories, catalyst of fear.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More